by Sarah Chevallier

Term: Holden Caulfield Age: 19 job: Jobs are for phonies exactly who care about fake things like bills and food About Holden: Only selecting casual relationships, because everyones a fake aside from me personally (obviously). Sidebar, Im maybe not entirely sure that phony suggests everything I think this means.

Label: Heathcliff Years: Practically not a clue. Occupation: Mergers (using my opponents families) furthermore acquisitions (of these wealth and happiness). About Heathcliff: invested a long time cultivating that #RevengeBody in addition to #RevengeWealth, the good news is Im trying to find a nice, gullible woman to be in all the way down with, ideally person who just is linked to my personal adversary, who furthermore merely is literally partnered to my youth pal. You are sure that, for typical, totally not nefarious reasons.

Not currently in my attic are restrained with a genuine ball and chain.

Identify: Odysseus Age: 38 career: King of Ithaca who is 100per cent devoid of a midlife problems About Odysseus: Im everything about that wanderlust existence: it is concerning trip, maybe not the location, you know? Specially when the location is filled with responsibilities like governance, parenthood, and marriage to a woman who’s plainly wiser than myself as she evades offered like intimate chattel for 10 years while we doof around banging haphazard witches and blinding one-eyed leaders. Join me regarding the journey, kids.

Term: Edward Rochester Years: 43 Career: Rich widower. Yep, the old golf ball and cycle was dead. Sincere lifeless. Perhaps not presently in my attic becoming restrained with an authentic basketball and cycle. About Edward: interested in a younger girl who’ll blunder my brooding appearances and condescending misanthropy for tragic torment, and preferably is actually into employer-employee roleplay. Bonus if she likes youngsters but not adequate that shes postponed by just how mean i’m to my personal followed daughter.

Title: Victor Frankenstein get older: 34 career: Doctor, scientist About Victor: looking someone who offers my enthusiasm for all the mysteries of lifetime but could be right up for a relentless quest to fully capture and destroy my personal outdated roommate from my personal period on college of Ingolstadt. Sense of adventure is required, because we keep for all the North Pole a few weeks.

Identity: Jay Gatsby Age: How old do you want me to end up being lol career: Influencer, Renaissance people About Jay: Im weirdly similar to your ex lover, but like a wonderfully rich and mystical version of him that you will not have dumped with no GODDAMN CAUSE to begin with, Daisy.

Mention: Rodion Raskolnikov get older: 21 job: scholar, Extraordinary people just who theoretically it might be entirely ok if he only slain a classic woman, because after all, hes extraordinary, however you understand, only in theory please dont name that mean policeman just who keeps snooping around. About Rodion: Im just a better-than-regular guy selecting an almost angelically great lady with a tragic tale who will with no good reason dedicate by herself to my personal redemption and it is actually into playing myself reciting my half-baked Philosophy 101 theories.

Name: Jake Barnes Age: 31 career: Expat, alcoholic About Jake: ultra manly. Absolutely, positively, not at all impotent. Really into angling and obsessing during the enchanting and sexual choices of a lady who is totally merely a buddy (however you discover, most certainly not an equal whos able to make her very own choices, due to that damn ladybrain). Above all: maybe not Jewish.

Mention: Hamlet years: 26 Occupation: Future King of Denmark About Hamlet: family members try anything in my experience. As with, I wont rest until I split my family, friends, and possibly even my personal nation apart according to a discussion I’d using my dads ghost about how precisely it is extremely GROSS that mother and Uncle C are trying to do it, in which he assented its totally normal that Im thus fixated on my mothers sex-life. My latest girl wasnt that understanding, thus Im seeking a person that will supporting myself inside hard time and wont posses a fucking cow whenever we stab this lady dad and verbally neglect the woman.

Name: Lucifer era: perhaps not Applicable job: Ex-angel, independent opposing forces of God along with his manufacturing About Lucifer: I actually developed internet dating, therefore welcome to Hell.